The Grass Is Always Greener

(My son, making homemade horse radish. Once you try it, you will never enjoy the jar stuff again.)

Unlike most of my friends, I was not in any big hurry to have children. In fact, for years I wasn't even sure I wanted to any. But, on the eve (actually a few years before that) of turning 30 and hitting a decade of marriage, I decided to go for it. In less than two years, I had two of them.

Now, I would love to be able to write that being a mother to two small children was a dream come true, but my kids will be the first ones to tell you that while I love them more than life itself and more than anything or anyone in the entire world, being a mother was not my forte. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't abusive or anything. The worst thing I ever did to them was to turn the clocks ahead a couple of hours so I could put them to bed early. (My precocious daughter could read numbers before she turned a year old.) And, I spent plenty of time taking them to museums, cultural events, doing homework, and generally enjoying them and caring for them. But, I also missed my sleep and my freedom and as much as I didn't want to wish my life away, I looked forward to the day I would get my life back.

My kids are both grown now, and both have careers in places that are far, far away. I miss them so much, it hurts. I now want the life back that involves having my children around.

Both my children, plus one are home for the holidays. The house is a mess, noise abounds, but so does happiness. The other night, my daughter yelled "hello mom" while her boyfriend was talking to his mom on the phone. The jealous monster took hold of me and I wanted to cry. I know my kids spend more time with her than they do with me (they both live in the same city) and I am happy about that, but I don't want to share the name.

Everyone leaves tonight after the seder. The house will go back to normal. I'm starting to feel sad already.