My sister is really on my dad’s nerves. He can’t wait until she leaves. I don’t blame him. I had a long talk with my niece (sister’s daughter) while she was here. She told me she is in therapy because of her mother. Everything with my sister is a drama and she can’t take it anymore. That is the way I have been feeling for years. My family thought I was exaggerating until we spent this week together. They no longer doubt me.
Yesterday my sister realized the medicine she needed to take was running out. She wanted me to go to a pharmacy when I got home to renew it for her. I told her she better do it here. Aside from being very expensive (she has no medical coverage) I was afraid there would be problems, which, of course there were. My husband had to drive her to three different pharmacies until he could find one that carried what she needed. Then, the pharmacy didn't want to give it to her. My husband had to beg the pharmacist to give her three to hold her to the next day.
My dad is pushing my sister to go home. Aside from getting on his nerves, he is worried about her. He can tell by looking at her that she is not feeling well. I told her yesterday to just buy a Jet Blue ticket. They had the best flight and she has a $100 credit to use up. Of course she had to check every airline in existence before she did what I told her to do in the first place. I think my dad would have paid $1000 for her ticket just to get rid of her.
My dad is having major issues about lots of things. We all know this and are trying not to get on his nerves. She never learns. One of the things he does not like is when people rearrange anything in his house. We needed an outlet to plug in my computer. What does she do? She looks for things she can unplug so she can plug it in. Good thing it is my computer and I stopped her before she did the deed. Yesterday she took a bagel with seeds into the living room to eat without bothering to use a plate. Needless to say he freaked out because he just vacuumed the room. When everyone left tonight, she wanted to do laundry. You don't do laundry while you are sitting shiva, especially in a public laundry room. My mom would jump out of her grave if she knew what my sister wanted to do. We ended up bringing the laundry home and my husband volunteered to do it for her.
My dad got through today without going off too much. When he talked about my mom, he cried, but then he got himself together and kept going. We had some more people come over and he even seemed to enjoy the company. I made sure to tell my friends to keep it quiet. By 6:00 everyone left. We cleaned up, sat with him a little longer and then went home. We told the friends that wanted to see us to come to my house. I'm glad they only stayed a short time. I love them, but I am wiped out.
Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it will be better. I have lost so much weight. I now weigh less than I did twenty five years ago before my son was born. I'm not crying tonight, which is good. I'm not heaving which is also good. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to get down more than one meal.
The rantings of a teacher who retired from the classroom but not from education.
3 comments:
At least, in some small way, your sister was comforting to your dad- up to now that is. When my father was dying, I begged her to please go to the nursing home one night, so I could have one day off. I was working, taking 12 grad credits, and had 2 per session jobs, plus running back and forth every night. My brother-in-law, piece of crap that he is, said, "Oh, she can't do that- she's too tired after work." They were so late to my father's funeral, we were 5 minutes away from starting without them. Then, a couple of months later (after they decided to ignore their own offer to contribute to the funeral) my sister decided not to talk to either me or my mother anymore. My sister is 61 years old, and is fortunate enough to still have her mother- only she hasn't spoken to her in 5 years.
I learned a long time ago that sometimes you're just better off without certain family members. Hang in, and hang tough- and try to take it easy when you go back to work.
I'm sorry for your family. In spite of everything, my sister has a big heart. She never does anything out of malice, only stupidity. Her husband is a great guy only he is as limited as she is (probably more). She has been great through all of this.
I also have a family member that seems to fall in the the-harder-they-try, the-worse-they-get category and it comes with drama as well. There was also an underlying psychiatric issue that was medicable as it turns out.
She looks for things she can unplug so she can plug it in. Oh, I so know what you are talking about. When confronted our family member will start up some very defensive drama about, "I was only trying to help, and if I'm not appreciated around here I'll leave" and stomp out.
The same family member will offer to help out during a crisis by cooking meals. Normally that would be a help, but in her case we know it's going to result in more work for us...because she'll not really clean things properly. After a couple of decades of this nuttiness I finally heard a theory that explained it.
It isn't about really helping. REALLY helping is when you think about the other person's needs and then do it whether you like doing it or not. You don't do it your way, you do it their way. The nutty way of "helping" is about telling yourself that you helped so that you don't feel guilty about not "helping" later on. That means the nutty person just goes through the motions without thinking too hard about the consequences. There is a analogy in the way that some students approach math problems. If one is intent on solving the problem at any cost, the problem usually gets solved, if one is simply trying to say "well I tried" then you see token gestures and no solution. It's all about saying convincngly "I tried" to oneself rather than really getting the job done. Going through the motions vs. getting the job done.
What I have to do with my nutty family member is make sure she doesn't feel guilty for just sitting there because the minute she feels bad for not helping out we are all in trouble. I have also given her trivial nonconsequential chores (becausde it doesn't matter if that gets screwed up or not) then praised her to death for how helpful it was. Meanwhile, the rest of us can get the real job done. She feels good about "helping" and is happy to go through the motions and we are happy to get the real job done without interference.
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