A friend asked me how I am doing. She said no matter how old you are it is awful to lose your mother. When your mom is gone, you are an orphan.
I've been so consumed with worry about my dad that I haven't had time to give my mom much thought. I will miss her irritating daily phone calls. The calls I make to her where all she relates is what she ate or what she shopped for (food items) that day. The words she hears wrong because her hearing aids are either not in or not working properly. I'll miss her undercooked chicken. I'll miss hearing her complaints about my dad I'll miss her unconditional love, her concern about me an my family and just hearing her voice in general.
I think most people just take their moms for granted. Moms are supposed to do all the wonderful things my mom did. There never was any reason to thank her or to praise her for being who she was. Not all moms do what they are supposed to do. My mom was one of the best around. I'm sorry I didn't spend more time telling her that I loved her and I know I never said thank you for being you.
If I could turn back the hands of time, my one wish would be to be a better daughter than the daughter I was. If there is a heaven, and my mom is looking over my shoulder and reading this, maybe now she will be able to know how much I loved her. I know when shiva is over an I return to normal life my loss will probably hit hard. I'm going to be strong, for that is what she would want. She would never burden her family with any of her personal issues.
The rantings of a teacher who retired from the classroom but not from education.
2 comments:
At some level, you already know this, but let me remind you just the same: You did the best you could as your mother's daughter, and she did the best she could as your mother. You weren't perfect and neither was your mother. You were you and she was she--and you loved each other in spite of your weaknesses.
We human beings are a frail lot, and a generous dose of forgiveness goes a long way toward covering up our frailties. I have a feeling that forgiveness played a major role in your lives on earth. Hold on to that thought for dear life as you continue to sit shiva...and beyond.
If your mom was as wonderful a mother as you say she was, then she knows that you were a good daughter to her. We are what we are- we can't all be walking Hallmark cards.
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