Decision Day

The doctors want to do more cuts--just a little cut in her skull, just a little cut for permanent dialysis, just a little cut to stop the blood clots. We all agreed--NO MORE! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! The doctor said she will die without the dialysis. It will happen this week. He recommended that we stop the breathing tube also. We are doing it tomorrow. My dad just wanted one more night. They are moving her to a hospice type room where she will be kept on a morphine drip and hopefully never wake up and know what her life has become.

I feel sad. I feel like I am ending my mom's life, even though I know the right thing is being done. The thing that she would want is being done. I feel relief. My husband and I went out for dinner tonight and I was able to eat. We went to Home Depot and I was able to shop. I spoke to my Rabbi--he was comforting. He will officiate at the funeral and give my mom the Orthodox funeral she wants.

My dad wants to die. I know he won't kill himself, he is not suicidal. I am afraid he will die of grief. There is nothing I can do but be there for him. My sister has been with him non stop since Monday. She is afraid to leave him. It is good for them to be together. She has spent very little time with either of my parents in the last 25 years. She is suffering too. I know part of it is guilt. I have been good. I've been telling her how good she is now. I haven't said anything to reinforce her guilt. It is hard, because I am angry at her for her years neglecting them. I will never let her know about this anger. She is doing the right thing now and that is all that counts.

Once they remove the breathing tube she might have minutes, hours or days but her time will be limited. No one can live without functioning kidneys. I know I will adjust. My sister will adjust and my kids will be fine after a while, even though losing the grandma they love will hurt. I just pray that my dad will adjust too.