Shiva is a week where family and friends come together to remember the person who died and to help the mourners be happy for a little while, to forget the sorrow and just remember the good times. My dad doesn't see it this way. Every little comment sets him off. He doesn't want to be happy and can't bring himself to see anybody happy around him. Yesterday I went with him to the bank, to change over accounts and to make sure my name is on everything with his so I can help him when I have to. I thought this was a good sign until I found out he is just preparing for his death. Even when he dies and in his sorrow, he wants things to be as easy as possible for me and my husband. He doesn't want me to have to struggle the way he is struggling now. He keeps telling me that I have a family I should be with, that I should just leave him alone. I can't do that but I can't help him either. My wonderful strong dad is dying in front of my eyes and I can't help him. People say time will help, but they don't know my dad. He is one of the most stubborn, rigid men I have ever met.
My husband retired two years ago and so far, he has been content doing nothing. He has been at my side this entire time. I am starting to really worry about him. What will happen to him if I die? I love him but I don't want to be his entire life. If I die I want him to live. I want him to take all the money and goods we acquired over our life time and blow them on things to make him happy. Let him pay for some nice young women if he can't get one on his own. I want him to remember the life we had together but then to go out and find a new one. For years my kids have been telling me that their dad is just like my dad. For years I only saw the negative side of this, only the flaws, not the virtues. This month has reminded me all over again why I fell in love with him and why we have been married for almost 34 years.
Every day begins with the hope that things will get easier and ends with things worse than they were the day before. My sister is going home on Sunday and I am going back to work on Monday. I love my dad but I can't sit by and watch him pass away too. I'll be there for him when he needs me but, if I don't get back to normal I will die along with him. I'm not ready to do that yet.