I remember when I took geometry in the tenth grade my teacher began by asking us to define a point. The whole class was enthusiastic. We all came up with lots of things but, after a while the teacher explained that we weren't really defining a point, we were describing it. She said that in geometry there were three undefined words "POINT, LINE and PLANE". Every other term could be defined based on these words or words that were already defined using these words. What made me think of this now? GRIEF! Grief is like one of those undefined terms. You can look it up in the dictionary. You can use words to describe it, but the actual emotions are none like I have ever experienced. The feelings of living in a void, where nothing around you matters or the inability to stop yourself from breaking into uncontrollable sobs and heaving non stop are something I would never have believed possible. I've been with many friends who experienced grief. I am so glad that I never tried to understand it, never told them to stop crying and never told them to pull themselves together. These are things that are impossible to do. Only time can heal the pain. Only time can end the grief.
The cemetery was so sad. We brought the flowers and read my mom some mother's day cards. I begged my grandparents who are buried next to her to watch out for her and to care for her. My dad said his dad always loved her and that is why he put her next to him. I guess my grief will pass because my dad is no longer sad for his parents. I think my hysteria (which I tried to control but couldn't) helped keep my dad a little calmer. He cried, but I was much worse than he was.
When we got back to his house I wanted to go up with him for a while. After looking for parking I found what I thought was a good parking spot only to come down an hour later and find a $115 ticket on my car. The good thing about grief right now is that I don't care about the ticket. I also don't care that I lost my cellphone yesterday and had to go buy a new one today. There are just too many bigger and more important things to stress about.
Last night was the final night of Shiva. We let people come to my house since my dad doesn't like a lot of company, especially at night. I think I might have had 40 people in my living room. It was amazing. I don't even think of myself as someone that people know, let alone care enough about to come over on a Saturday night. Although it was crowded, it felt good and I was able to laugh for a while.
I'm going to try to go back to work tomorrow. I'm not planning on visiting my dad again until the end of the week. I'll talk to him every day and if he needs me I'll be there. I have to give him space to grieve alone. I have to let him learn to be by himself. I know he can do it. He has to learn that he can.
The rantings of a teacher who retired from the classroom but not from education.
3 comments:
The first day back to work will be rough, but you're going to be fine. Try your best to ignore the advice of well-meaning people who think they know all about the grieving process.
I agree with 17. I hope that everything goes well tomorrow.
I hope getting back to a routine will help you begin to heal and make the sadness less raw and overwhelming. Let yourself feel sad but take care of yourself too. As always my thoughts are with you. No one can even imagine what you and your family have been through. I will soon be spending my first Father's Day without my father, so somehow the grief transforms as life goes on. I hope you will turn to family and friends when you have those days when the grief is at the surface of your consciousness, instead of the background of your life which is where it goes after a time. The experience is different for each person, but accept your own feelings, you have a right to them.
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