Expectations

I decided a long time ago not to expect anything from anybody. If you don't expect anything, and you don't get anything, you cannot get hurt. Unfortunately, the heart doesn't always listen to the brain and the heart expects things that the brain does not want.

When I came back to work, I didn't expect much from anyone. I did think that people who passed me in the hall might say a nice word or two of condolence. Most did. The AP of security walked by me on two or three occasions, looked at me and then kept going. Not even an "I am sorry for your loss." The AP of guidance, who I thought I got along with said on a few occasions "Hi, how's it going?" just like she has done a hundred times before, just proving my point that she doesn't really care about how things are going for me. And when I go to temple to say Kaddish, people look at me as if I am an intruder in their space even though I have been a temple member for over 20 years. Not one word of greeting or condolence yet they must know that a death is what is drawing me there. When someone has a death in their family, word goes out with a recorded message to everyone in the congregation. There was no phone call when my mom died. Some might say it was an oversight. I say it was typical of the way I have been treated there for years.

My biggest expectation hurt came from people who I thought were close friends. They would not make the trip to the Bronx to sit Shiva with me. I'm sure my friends were afraid something would happen to their precious car. They wanted to come sit with me Wednesday night, in my house, because it is easier and safer to park. I told them I didn't want company then. I'm finished sitting.

I don't want to fight with these friends, but I don't want to see them now either. I don't want to say words I will be sorry for. I just had a big fight with my beautiful, terrific daughter because everything sets me off now. She and my son are the most important parts of my life. If I said hurtful things to her, who knows what I would say to someone else. I've really got to go back to my expectation of no expectations. That is the only way to survive.