Saturday, May 09, 2009

I Preferrred Fish

I didn't wanted a baby. I never (and still don't) ooh and aah when I see one. I have no urge to hold the baby and cuddle it in my arms. My son recently asked me if I would rather spend a day with a baby or an administrator (even Suit). It only took me a while to realize I would prefer the administrator. It was not that difficult a decision to make. (And, everyone reading this blog knows how I love administrators.)

Back in my glory days, most women got married right out of college and had babies almost immediately. My mother swore that by the time I decided to become a mom, my kids would all be deformed. My mother-in-law was no better. Even my husband wanted kids. Luckily, I'm strong and did not succumb to pressure.

After one particularly bad day at work, I decided that enough was enough. I didn't need the crap in school anymore and that now was as good a time as any to have a baby. I know many women have a hard time conceiving, but not me, Fertile Myrtle. I got pregnant that night. Just like I hit the send or publish button without a second thought, I was expecting my first baby and I was scared.

My husband was the only one who knew until I was six months pregnant. (I was very small.) This wasn't an easy thing to hide since I had the worse case of morning sickness ever. (It lasted nine months.)

My daughter's birth sucked big time. My water broke and it was brown instead of clear. The doctor knew something was wrong and she tried to induce. My husband spent what seemed like my entire labor in the bathroom and I threatened him with divorce at the time. They soon discovered the baby was in distress and did an emergency C-section. Thank goodness everything was fine and I have the most perfect daughter in the world. (My husband was thrilled we had a girl because although I never voiced it, I only wanted a girl and he was scared of how I would react to a male child.)

I wasn't exactly Mother Maternal, but I decided to breast feed anyways. It was cheaper and easier than dealing with bottles. Besides, my house was cold in the winter and I dreaded the idea of having to go downstairs to warm bottles in the middle of the night. My mother and mother-in-law were both pushing formula, and being the rebel that I am, breast feeding was the right choice. I decided to do it, but I was not thrilled with the idea. I can tell you now, that was one of the best decisions I ever made. I still tingle at the thought and while I would never offer to babysit or change a diaper, I would breast feed any baby any day of the week, any hour of the day if I had the biological ability to do so.

My beautiful little girl was not easy. She was a mamma's girl, attached to me every waking minute. She had temper tantrums when she did not get her way, but she was mine and I loved her (and still do) more than life itself. I was angry when I got pregnant a second time. This new child was going to be an intrusion on the time spent with my girl. Besides, after the awful first delivery, I had no desire to go through it again.

My son must have known from the start that I would not be easy. He must have also known the unspoken truth--I wanted another girl. He never gave me one minute of trouble during my pregnancy. When I first saw him, I wanted to cry. He was so ugly. He had chicken legs. We thought there was something seriously wrong with him. And then I picked him up and he snuggled into my neck. No words could ever express the love I felt at that moment, or the feeling I still have, almost 27 years later, every time I look at him. He was and always will be my "sunshine." He didn't stay ugly long. By the time he was six weeks old, there was not a baby around that could rival him in the looks department. And, he was so good. It was almost like he knew, a 19 month toddler, like my daughter, needed a lot more attention than a newborn, and he behaved himself.

When we first got married, we had a big fish tank. Growing up in the projects, I was never exposed to cats and dogs and didn't want the responsibility of one as an adult. The fish were my children. They were easy, just throw in some food and walk away. If they died, they were easily replaced. There was no emotional attachment. Years ago, I preferred fish and no one in my family ever lets me forget that.

I am grateful today for my two special, wonderful children. Although I never really wanted to be a mother, now that I am one, I cannot imagine how my life would have turned out without these two children. They are the two (hopefully my daughter and her boyfriend will get married soon so I can have an official three) most special people in my life. No words can ever express the love I feel for them. I know I drive them crazy, and get on their nerves (especially my poor son) and they put up with me.

It is Mother's day. The children I have are is the best gift any mother could ever want. I have been blessed.


Rick Patterson said...

Happy Mother's Day to you.
You make the day look good.
This makes me want to go hug my kids.
So I'm going to go do that.

Anonymous said...

Happy Mother's Day.
What a beautiful entry.

ChiTown Girl said...

That was just beautiful. Thanks for making me cry at 5 in the morning!

Happy Mother's Day!

17 (really 15) more years said...

Happy Mother's Day PO'd! That was beautiful- best post ever!

Mrs. H said...

Pissed Off,

I loved this post. Thanks for taking the time to write it. It amazes me how much alike we are. I too, never liked babies. . . still don't as a matter of fact. I had a horrible pregnancy with all three of my children and even worse deliveries, but nursing each of my children for the first year of their lives is one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I still have dreams about nursing infants and I never want to wake up because of the unbelievable peaceful feeling I have.