Empty Chairs

As I get ready for tonight's seder, I think about all the people the empty seats.

My grandpa who used to check every label to make sure things were kosher.
My grandma who made the world's best potato latkas and was never surprised they were all gone before we sat down to eat.
My father-in-law who didn't like to speak to anyone.
My mother-in-law who love the turkey butt and was always going out to smoke.
My sister-in-law who came in like a tornado and taught my kids how to fling food across the table.
My brother-in-law (he had a stroke and is in rehab) who loved being religious once a year.
My niece who has to work and her husband who doesn't want to come without her.

But mostly I miss my mom and my dad.  The first year without my mom was awful.  She loved the holiday. I still see her sitting at table, glasses on, reading from the Haggadah.  This is the first year without my dad.  I somehow knew last year would be his last.  I still prepared his favorite foods, meatballs, matzhoh balls, latkas from a mix and have the ketchup bottle ready to put on the table.

Two of the empty chairs are being filled by people very special to us, my daughter's special guy and my son's fiance.  But, these two have been around for years.  Still, their presence will make the holiday a little less sad.  Many of our loved ones are gone but our family is growing.

Happy Passover to all who celebrate and an early Happy Easter to others.

Family

It is a sad commentary on life when it takes a funeral to bring families together, but it is wonderful how families do support each other and come together for anything where support is needed.

My favorite aunt died this week.  She had Alzheimer's and has been out of it for quite a while.  We talked about going to visit (she lived in Florida) but somehow never got around to making the trip.  We've had the same talk with the cousins, but nothing ever materialized.  Yesterday we were all together to say goodbye to this terrific lady.  We reminisced and met new cousins known previously from encounters when they were babies.

The day was bitter sweet.  We drove a short distance to Paramus and then Nyak but traffic was unreal and we spent over five hours in the car.  Saying goodbye is hard, but being with my aunts, uncles and cousins was great.  My aunt used to love having a house full of people.  I'm sure she was smiling at us all and wishing she had cooked some goodies for us to be enjoying.

The picture above was taken from the rooftop patio of my cousin's Nyak house.  He's been after us for a while to come visit and now I see why.

Happiness

 My son cooking the world's best matzoh brei.

My husband and children playing a card game on the dining room table.

Family

Life is too short to not spend time with those we love. Pictured above, from left to right is the boy friend's great aunt, the boy friend, my daughter and my dad (her grandpa.) We all had a great visit and a nice lunch today.

(Full pictures on my real facebook page.)

Thanksgiving Day

Thanksgiving day, another day taking my dad to visit my mom. These trips are getting easier. He didn't even cry today and thanks to access-a-ride, he can spend the entire day here and get a ride home, saving us the trip.

Passover is the special holiday I remember with my mom. Thanksgiving was reserved for my mother-in-law. Every year, since 1985, the year my father-in-law died, we picked her up early and brought her to our house to spend the holiday. She was an eccentric character and I loved her both in spite of and because of her eccentricities. (I won't say what her worst one was except that I could never take her shopping.)

Every year, she would join me and my children as we hiked through Alley Pond Park, enjoying all the beauty nature has to offer this time of year in our own back yard. She loved watching the kids jump in the leaves and run up and down the ramp underneath the highway. All the while, her son, would sit at home and watch his football games in peace.

After our walk (and some cooking) we always took my daughter to a movie. It was a great girls' only bonding day. My kids always say that I was more like her than I was like my own mother. Maybe that is what attracted my husband to me in the first place.

Until today, I forgot how much I enjoyed spending the holidays with her. I think it must have been the fallen red leaves on my mom's grave that reminded me of how much I loved my other mom.

Butt Head

I hate smokers. They not only kill themselves, they kill the people that love them.

My brother-in-law is one of those smokers. He is 53 years old, lying in an ICU, hooked up to a ventilator, fighting for his life. He has been smoking for years. He has had severe bronchitis for years. He has had major incidents of coughing up blood. He refused to quit. The doctors just found a mass on his lungs. They do not know if it is cancerous because they cannot operate while he is in such a weakened condition.

I love my brother-in-law but I hate him for what he is putting my sister through. When he refused to give up smoking, he not only chose to give himself a deadly illness, he chose to destroy his wife, the love of his life. she Shas not slept or had a happy moment in 10 days. He chose to possibly deprive his newborn grandson of knowing the love of wonderful grandfather.

My mother-in-law smoked herself to death. She smoked from the time she was nine years old until she died, at age 83. She died due to complications of surgery, a surgery necessitated by her smoking. Her smoking did not allow blood to circulate fully through her body and as a result, some of her toes had to be amputated. Because of the smoking, her body could not take the anesthesia and this is what killed her.

When my mother-in-law started to smoke, no one knew how deadly cigarettes were. By the time the truth was known, she was too addicted to stop. Her life was hard and cigarettes were one of her few pleasures. My brother-in-law is different. The dangers of what he has been doing have been known for years. He should have been smart enough to stop. He should have been strong enough to stop. I don't think he ever tried to stop. I don't think he thought it was important to stop.

I pray every day that he will get well. I pray that he will get well and find the courage to give up this thing that has him fighting for his life. I pray that others that smoke can find the strength to stop.

Brother-In-Law

One minute everything is fine. You are going to work. You are bitching about traffic. You are having dinner with your family, playing with one grandchild and thinking about the other one that you haven't had a chance to meet yet. One minute everything is good. Next thing, you are lying in a hospital bed, horrible itchy things that blow up are on your legs, you are hooked up to a ventilator. Your lungs are not working. No one knows if you will make it.....

This is the story of my brother-in-law. He is young, early 50's. He is a good guy. So is my sister, in spite of all the nasty stuff I have written about her. She is watching her husband now looking like our mom looked before she died. The doctors say they are going to wean him off the ventilator, but that is not happening. I'm scared for her. I'm scared for him. I wish I was closer so I could be there for her. I wish this wasn't the first week of school. I pray for him to get better and for her to stay strong.

My Children

I made the error of telling my children about this blog. Now they are regular readers. They even have an alert set up on their computers so they know when I post something new. I now have to be careful what I write. They told me I am a bitch because of some of the things I have written about my friends. Those things are basically true, but they are exaggerations. The people mentioned do not know this blog exists. My sister, knows about this blog, but could never find it. I refused to give her the address. I think I will set up a new blog, tell no one about it and then start writing some nasty stuff about my kids. My daughter has the kind of job that would enable her to find this new blog, so I won't say whether I am going to do it or not. She's probably too lazy to look for it anyways. (sorry daughter, but you know I write the truth about you.) If I do set up a new blog, I better find a way to keep it totally private. I'll keep writing here to throw my two offsprings off.

Actually, I am glad that my son is reading this. When he was in elementary school, he could not read to save his life. He scored 97% in math and 45% in reading. I had a reading tutor for him and tried to work with him all the time. Nothing worked. I never thought he would learn to read. I even had him specially tested. Basically the test showed that he couldn't read because he didn't want to. Hearing that, he started to read, but he only read menus (he liked to eat.) When he learned to read, I never thought he would actually read by choice. Now, he is finishing up his master's degree in Computer and Electrical Engineering, so I know he must read. I'm glad he is reading stuff for pleasure, even if it is just my blog on the internet.

Mom's Birthday

My mom's birthday was last week. My sister came in to spend some time with my dad and to give me a break. Of course, the first thing she asked when she told me she was coming in was "can you or hubby pick me up at the airport?" I blew up at her then. Making my life easier did not include runs to the airport to pick her up and bring her back. I told her to find her own way to the Bronx. She's 52 years old and afraid to get in a cab with a guy she doesn't know! When I blew up at her, she agreed to find her own way.

Sister and dad had a good visit. She's finally learned that when she comes to New York to spend time with the parents, she should not run off with her friends. She went to the cemetery with dad last week, which was good for me. I really didn't want to go. Besides, I have been sick for over a week and would have found the trip difficult physically as well as emotionally.

Today, before she left, she called me to tell me how bad my dad was last night. I could only answer "tell me something I don't know." She kept saying, you don't understand and then proceeded again to tell me what was going on. I just said, "Now you know what my life has been like. Every time you called and told me how great he was doing, I tried to tell you this was going on. You didn't want to believe it. You thought I was only trying to get you upset." She could only say, "Now I know. Now I see." It's been the same story with her for years. She never believed me when I told her how sick my mom was. She never bothered to make the trip to New York to see my parents when they were both healthy and could have enjoyed her company.

I can't say any more to her. I know she is consumed with guilt for her past actions. She is not a bad person, just a stupid person. I try to be nice to her, but I am angry and resentful because of her actions all these years. I know my dad is happy to see her, but he doesn't trust her motives.

My dad's birthday is in July. I will be in Alaska for two weeks then. My husband would divorce me if I cancelled the trip. I've told her to come in and spend some time with him while I am gone. Hopefully she will.

Mom

A friend asked me how I am doing. She said no matter how old you are it is awful to lose your mother. When your mom is gone, you are an orphan.

I've been so consumed with worry about my dad that I haven't had time to give my mom much thought. I will miss her irritating daily phone calls. The calls I make to her where all she relates is what she ate or what she shopped for (food items) that day. The words she hears wrong because her hearing aids are either not in or not working properly. I'll miss her undercooked chicken. I'll miss hearing her complaints about my dad I'll miss her unconditional love, her concern about me an my family and just hearing her voice in general.

I think most people just take their moms for granted. Moms are supposed to do all the wonderful things my mom did. There never was any reason to thank her or to praise her for being who she was. Not all moms do what they are supposed to do. My mom was one of the best around. I'm sorry I didn't spend more time telling her that I loved her and I know I never said thank you for being you.

If I could turn back the hands of time, my one wish would be to be a better daughter than the daughter I was. If there is a heaven, and my mom is looking over my shoulder and reading this, maybe now she will be able to know how much I loved her. I know when shiva is over an I return to normal life my loss will probably hit hard. I'm going to be strong, for that is what she would want. She would never burden her family with any of her personal issues.

Sister

My sister is really on my dad’s nerves. He can’t wait until she leaves. I don’t blame him. I had a long talk with my niece (sister’s daughter) while she was here. She told me she is in therapy because of her mother. Everything with my sister is a drama and she can’t take it anymore. That is the way I have been feeling for years. My family thought I was exaggerating until we spent this week together. They no longer doubt me.

Yesterday my sister realized the medicine she needed to take was running out. She wanted me to go to a pharmacy when I got home to renew it for her. I told her she better do it here. Aside from being very expensive (she has no medical coverage) I was afraid there would be problems, which, of course there were. My husband had to drive her to three different pharmacies until he could find one that carried what she needed. Then, the pharmacy didn't want to give it to her. My husband had to beg the pharmacist to give her three to hold her to the next day.

My dad is pushing my sister to go home. Aside from getting on his nerves, he is worried about her. He can tell by looking at her that she is not feeling well. I told her yesterday to just buy a Jet Blue ticket. They had the best flight and she has a $100 credit to use up. Of course she had to check every airline in existence before she did what I told her to do in the first place. I think my dad would have paid $1000 for her ticket just to get rid of her.

My dad is having major issues about lots of things. We all know this and are trying not to get on his nerves. She never learns. One of the things he does not like is when people rearrange anything in his house. We needed an outlet to plug in my computer. What does she do? She looks for things she can unplug so she can plug it in. Good thing it is my computer and I stopped her before she did the deed. Yesterday she took a bagel with seeds into the living room to eat without bothering to use a plate. Needless to say he freaked out because he just vacuumed the room. When everyone left tonight, she wanted to do laundry. You don't do laundry while you are sitting shiva, especially in a public laundry room. My mom would jump out of her grave if she knew what my sister wanted to do. We ended up bringing the laundry home and my husband volunteered to do it for her.

My dad got through today without going off too much. When he talked about my mom, he cried, but then he got himself together and kept going. We had some more people come over and he even seemed to enjoy the company. I made sure to tell my friends to keep it quiet. By 6:00 everyone left. We cleaned up, sat with him a little longer and then went home. We told the friends that wanted to see us to come to my house. I'm glad they only stayed a short time. I love them, but I am wiped out.

Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it will be better. I have lost so much weight. I now weigh less than I did twenty five years ago before my son was born. I'm not crying tonight, which is good. I'm not heaving which is also good. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to get down more than one meal.

The Day After

I thought my dad was doing better. He seems to be coping, crying but a little better. He called about my mom's life insurance and pension this morning. Taking care of business was a good sign. Boy, I was wrong. This morning we only had a little bit of company, which was good. My cousin showed up. We talked about old times. We used to be great friends and somehow we drifted apart. It was good to talk about old times. A friend of my sister showed up also. With only one person extra, things were also good. Then came the lull. My dad ate his favorite meal--the meatballs I made him and he napped a little. Later on a couple of people that worked with my mom showed up. This was good too. Unfortunately, two very old friends of mine also came. My friend is a teacher at a pretty prestigious high school and she was telling us a crazy story about a police visit (future post). We were laughing. My dad couldn't take it. He went into the other room and cried. It was too noisy. People were happy. "We are in mourning for your mother. I know this is what is done at shiva, but I can't take it." I told this to my friends and they left. We told everyone we could contact not to come tonight. I know this is wrong. I know I am in mourning too and I have a right to company but I can't stand watching my dad cry. We will be at my house Saturday night. I will let people who want come to see me there. My sister is going home on Friday. I have mixed feelings. She is good for my dad in some ways but in other ways she is driving him crazy. My husband and children finally see what I have been saying about her for years. They see that I am not exaggerating. She does not handle things like an intelligent adult (another post). Things are calm now. Everyone except family is gone. We are going home soon. My sister has one friend coming over. That will be good. Until tomorrow. Only time will tell what that day may bring.

My dad just said he wants people to come tomorrow. It is okay with him. If there is too much laughter, he will leave the room. Things are just too strange for me.

The Funeral

Part of me was afraid to tell people about the funeral. I was so afraid that no one would bother to come. After all, it was in the Bronx. People from Queens and Long Island are afraid of that part of the city. Boy was I wrong. There must have been over 100 people at the chapel, mostly friends of mine. Lots who have met my parents over the years and really liked them. Friends of my dad's showed up too. He didn't think anyone would. Most of his friends are gone. Many are too old to get there. My Aunt had some of her friends show up too. Cousins came. Even my sister had a friend there. (She has lots of friends, they just all live in Texas.) Her children and husband arrived last night so my dad was surrounded by family. The service was beautiful. The Rabbi did a wonderful job, explaining everything and saying all the right words. I read my eulogy and California Guy's adapted poem. My sister read a letter that my mom had written to us three years ago and left with my dad to read after she was gone. The Rabbi said that it was much better to be eulogized by people that love you than strangers. I agree. I did same thing for my mother-in-law when she died a few years ago. I loved my mom so much. I had to be one of the ones to wish her a formal good bye. I even looked inside the casket to make sure that it was my mom inside--something I never thought I could do. (Jews used closed caskets--there is no viewing)

To me the cemetery is the worst part. I fall apart when I watch the coffin being lowered into the ground. It is so dark and so cold. The thought of never seeing the sun again is just too awful to bear. My mom is buried next to my dad's dad. At first I thought we should leave that spot for my dad and put her one over. Then I thought why should she be alone. Better to be next to someone who loves her than to be alone for years. Jews "bury" their own. That is, we take the shovel and throw dirt on the casket until you can't see it anymore. Really religious Jews fill in the entire whole, using every drop of dirt. We are not that religious. We just covered the top. When I had the shovel, I just kept going and going. I wanted to be the one to help my mom. I continued until someone stopped me. The reason behind this is simple. In life, we do a favor and expect someone else to do a favor in return. Burial is the final favor that cannot be returned. My dad cried, but he was not as bad as I expected. We were afraid he would try to jump in the grave with her. My aunt couldn't even bring herself to pick up a shovel. That was fine too.

After the funeral we all went back to my dad's house. He lives in Co-op City in the Bronx. Parking is almost impossible. Again, I thought no one would come but I was wrong. We had a house full of people for hours. My dad is really on edge. He was screaming at everyone for the littlest things. We are all used to him yelling at my sister, but, when he got on my daughter (his pride and joy) and my husband (who he loves as much as he loves me) we knew he was in really bad shape. In spite of this, I still think he might be okay in the end. My dad is friendly, but he doesn't have a lot of friends. He keeps everyone on the outside. In spite of this neighbor after neighbor stopped by to see him. Many of these people are old, and have been living years without the spouse they loved. Many were of different races and nationalities. They all expressed love and care for my dad and it is my hope that these people will give him the strength to go on.

Last night was bad. My sister had to go to the airport at midnight to pick up her kids. My dad called me hysterical at 1:30 saying "No one is here. They all deserted me. I'm all alone. We are burying your mother tomorrow and your sister is missing." I managed to calm him a little and got my sister on the phone to get back to him to calm him down. Now that is over, he might be okay. I hope so. I love my dad and want to help him start living his life again.

Mom and Wife

California Teacher Guy wrote a poem about his mom. It was so beautiful that I adapted it to fit mine and plan to read it at her funeral tomorrow.

“Fifty-eight years
wasn’t long enough, Ruth,”
Dad said at the hospital
as we clutched each other
and remembered the
wonderful woman
who was his wife.

He still wakes
and listens for her in the dark,
longing to make sure she is
safe from harm
And then he remembers…

She is gone, the love of his life,
The woman he lived and breathed for
is no longer here.
He will be strong.
He will carry on and love and be loved
by the children and the grandchildren
they created together.

It's Over

My mom died at 12:30 AM today. If my dad survives the funeral, he will be okay.

The funeral is tomorrow at 9:30. The sooner it starts, the sooner he can start healing.

Pulling the Plug

The social worker said pulling the plug is not an expression we should use. My dad said, "Isn't that what we are doing?" The social worker came up with some more nice words to try to cushion what we are about to do. My dad said "I'm old. I'm from the Bronx. I call it the way I see it."

They have to remove the breathing tube tomorrow. It is no longer safe to keep it in her mouth. She can get infections and pneumonia, that is if she doesn't have pneumonia already. Her white count 1s one, when it should be around ten. She is on dialysis. She is getting transfusions, plasma, platelets every day. Our option is a tracheotomy and a feeding tube through her stomach. She would never want this. She can't get well. We are not going to let the doctors do the procedure. The end will come in a day or two. They will make her comfortable and she will feel no pain. My dad is surprisingly calm. I know it is going to be hard for him, but he might get through this after all.