A Year Already

I can't believe a year has passed already since my dad has died.  The English date was October 16 but the Jewish calendar marks tonight to end the year.

I go to say my last Kaddish tonight.  I couldn't handle going twice a day and I only managed to get to temple 4 days a week, but still, I am glad I went.  I decided to go when my mom died.  I know people like me often pay more religious people to say the prayer for them but paying someone to do my praying just did not seem right.  My mom and her family were religious and while there is no obligation for women to say Kaddish, I felt it was my obligation as there was no one else available to do it.  Besides, I never bought into the idea of women being less than men and wanted to do my part. My dad wasn't as religious but he said Kaddish weekly for my mom (his temple did not have daily services) and I wanted to honor him the way I honored her.  I started for them but ended up doing it for me.  While I am not sure what I believe, I know being in the presence of people who do believe and were committed to what they believed felt good.  Every night I was welcomed and made to feel a part of the community.  It felt good to be "10" (10 people are needed for a minyon, the number of people needed for prayer).  Orthodox only count men.  My temple counts everyone.

Two weeks ago an elderly temple member lost his wife.  His daughter brings him every evening.  They walk in together, her arm around him.  She gently helps him remove his coat and open his book to the correct page.  She helps him stand and sit and assists him up the stairs when the service is over.  Seeing them warms my heart and reminds me of the days I did this with my dad.

My son is getting married Sunday.  There is nothing my dad (and mom) wanted more than to see him walk down the aisle.  My dad loved his wife to be.  He won't be there but I know he would be happy and thrilled to see her wearing my mom's ring.

I've lit his candle and leave in a little while.  (This will be posted later this evening.)  I've gotten so much from the daily service and intend to stay a part of it, although not daily.

A year has gone by.  I don't know if there is any after life and I am not even sure what I believe happens after death.  But if there is something, I hope it is a world filled with happiness and my parents found each other and are getting ready to celebrate their upcoming anniversary together.

Healing

Thursday was the end of my eleventh month period of saying Kaddish for my mom. The Heavenly Tribunal judges a dead person's soul. A guilty verdict takes twelve months while acquittal takes eleven. Eleven months of Kaddish says that the soul was pure.

I'm not an overly religious person and while I do like to go to shul, I never attend as often as I should. When my mom died, I decided to honor her by saying Kaddish as often as I could. I know it is something she would have wanted me to do. She would be proud and my grandfather (her father) must be looking down, smiling on my deed.

When my mom first died, my aunt told me to send a donation to Yeshiva University so the people there could pray for her. I couldn't do that. Prayer is personal. I did not want a stranger doing my praying for me.

Attending services daily was not easy. Although making the commitment was a decision I made out of duty, it turned out to be one of the best decisions I have made in my life. Kaddish is a healing time. Attending every night gave me a chance to pray, and be alone with my thought for twenty minutes. I prayed with mostly the same people every evening, mostly very old men. We did not become close friends, but we became friends. I met my boyfriend here. I met a man who recently lost his wife, but was going on with his life, reading, attending college classes and talking to anyone who talked back. He is the one I will miss the most as I am no longer going to attend daily. (I did promise to come at least once every few weeks so we can keep in touch.)

Thursday night was the end. When the Rabbi announced the end, I started to cry. Everyone hugged me and urged me to keep attending whenever I could. It was an experience I will never forget. I never expected to be able to keep attending services for an entire year. Now a days, most people don't do this. Some of the people I know don't even bother with the week long shiva period. Kaddish may have religious significance but the spiritual healing that resulted from it was what benefited me the most. I'm glad to have the free evenings but I have been rewarded in more ways than one for doing this.