Numb

I’m sitting in the waiting room in Montefiore Hospital. No internet connection so I am writing in word. I need to do this to keep busy. My mom is not doing well. Her arms are infected and they can’t even put in an IV to give her a blood transfusion. Right now the doctor from critical care is putting a stint in her so they will be able to transfuse. My dad is having a hard time. My parents have been married for 58 years. I don’t know how he will manage without her. One of the doctors seems to think that the anti- biotic she is being given now might help, but others are not so sure. She has so many things wrong with her…..She is suffering so much….I know everyone must go some time. If it is her time, I just pray that she doesn’t suffer and that my dad learns to live alone. I feel so helpless.

My sister flew in from Houston. I know she means well, but she is on everyone’s nerves. She thinks baby talk is the way to go. I can’t stand it when she stands over my mom and talks to her like she is a two year old. My mom goes in and out of lucidity, but she is not incompetent. She goes to my mom “be happy, your two baby girls are here”. My sister is past 50 years old. It’s been a long time since she has been a baby but she still thinks of herself that way. She comes to me for comfort, but I have nothing left to give her. I’m doing all I can to hold it together so I can be strong for my parents. I go to work every day to take my mind off what is going on. I lost it with a crazy bunch of kids this morning. I really let loose on them for not shutting up. When I told them why I went nuts, they got quiet and got to work. That shouldn’t be necessary.

The doctor is almost finished. Hopefully everything is going ok. I can’t write anymore. I’m empty……

She probably won’t be okay….Me and my dad are her health proxies. The doctor just asked us if they should incubate if it becomes necessary. They say she might come out of this but she is very sick. Her white count is very low and dropping. They asked us what she would want. My parents never discussed this. I asked the doctor if she could be the way she was before and he said yes. I told him to do it if it becomes necessary. I don’t think she wants it but I am not ready to let her go if there is a chance she can live. My dad is beside himself. He told me that he is going to die right after her. I’m 55 but I need my dad. I beg him to be strong for her and for me.