I have to be careful what I write here. I found out that my daughter reads this blog. I know that I showed it to her, but who would think that my kid would care enough about anything that I write to actually read it. I found out about her reading it when I called to tell her about my mom. She said she knew. She read it on the blog and was angry that I told the world before I told her. I tried to tell her that no one really reads this thing, but she was still a little annoyed with me. So now, even though I am writing this the night before the surgery, I won't post until tomorrow.
My mom has been going steadily down hill. The doctors seem to think that she can still come out of this. The surgery might bring her back to the way she was before. If she didn't have so many things wrong with her it would be a nothing operation. The thought of an operation is making her crazy! She is saying things that make no sense and crying all the time. She is fighting to get out of bed and giving everyone a hard time. This is not my mother's personality. The worst part is my dad. He is suffering so with her. I know that if she doesn't make it, he doesn't want to live either. Today, for the first time he told me that he would be okay, it would just take a while. I hope he means it. I ask myself why she is suffering so? I wonder if it is G-d's way of making her passing easier for my dad and my sister and me. Although we don't want to lose her, we will be relieved when her suffering ends. It is just so hard to take.
My mom's sister is always talking about Rabbi's and their beliefs. I know she means well, but when she tells me that my mom will be okay because the Rabbi is praying, I have to hang up the phone. On Rosh Hashana we pray that although our fate is written, prayer and repentance can change a severe decree. This doesn't work. I watched too many good, repentant people pray and die.
I want my mom to be okay.....I want my dad to recover from all of this. I want my sister to stop feeling guilty for all the stuff she has done or not done during her life. I want the pain to stop for all of us....
Mom had the surgery today. She had an awful day leading up to it. She was hallucinating,ranting and thrashing around all morning. I don't think she knew who any of us were. I've never seen anything so awful and at one point had to leave the room because I knew I was going to start crying and wouldn't be able to stop. My husband has been wonderful. He has sits with me non stop threw this entire ordeal. He has even been great to idiot sister. She left her medicine at my house and he had to go back to Queens from the Bronx to get it for her. He never complains. Idiot sister is serving a great function too. I have no nursing skills. Even when my own kids were little, my husband changed diapers. My sister has helped clean my mom, feed her and do everything possible to keep her comfortable. And, although she gets on my dad's nerves, I know she has been a comfort to him, staying with him. Mom came through he surgery fine. We have to wait to see if it will actually do any good. She is sedated tonight because she is fighting the breathing tube. The nurse said that is normal. The only good part is that we finally got my dad to go home and get a good night of sleep. He is exhausted. I don't know how much longer he can go on like this. I just pray that there will be a happy ending for all of us.