Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Numb

I’m sitting in the waiting room in Montefiore Hospital. No internet connection so I am writing in word. I need to do this to keep busy. My mom is not doing well. Her arms are infected and they can’t even put in an IV to give her a blood transfusion. Right now the doctor from critical care is putting a stint in her so they will be able to transfuse. My dad is having a hard time. My parents have been married for 58 years. I don’t know how he will manage without her. One of the doctors seems to think that the anti- biotic she is being given now might help, but others are not so sure. She has so many things wrong with her…..She is suffering so much….I know everyone must go some time. If it is her time, I just pray that she doesn’t suffer and that my dad learns to live alone. I feel so helpless.

My sister flew in from Houston. I know she means well, but she is on everyone’s nerves. She thinks baby talk is the way to go. I can’t stand it when she stands over my mom and talks to her like she is a two year old. My mom goes in and out of lucidity, but she is not incompetent. She goes to my mom “be happy, your two baby girls are here”. My sister is past 50 years old. It’s been a long time since she has been a baby but she still thinks of herself that way. She comes to me for comfort, but I have nothing left to give her. I’m doing all I can to hold it together so I can be strong for my parents. I go to work every day to take my mind off what is going on. I lost it with a crazy bunch of kids this morning. I really let loose on them for not shutting up. When I told them why I went nuts, they got quiet and got to work. That shouldn’t be necessary.

The doctor is almost finished. Hopefully everything is going ok. I can’t write anymore. I’m empty……

She probably won’t be okay….Me and my dad are her health proxies. The doctor just asked us if they should incubate if it becomes necessary. They say she might come out of this but she is very sick. Her white count is very low and dropping. They asked us what she would want. My parents never discussed this. I asked the doctor if she could be the way she was before and he said yes. I told him to do it if it becomes necessary. I don’t think she wants it but I am not ready to let her go if there is a chance she can live. My dad is beside himself. He told me that he is going to die right after her. I’m 55 but I need my dad. I beg him to be strong for her and for me.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I've been off blogging for about a week, but I have been reading, and my heart goes out to you.

I wish I could say something comforting, probably there are many of your readers would too, but in these circumstances at least you know we are thinking of you.

Jonathan

Pissedoffteacher said...

thanks--I know this doesn't go with the category, but I just needed to put my feelings into words.

Unknown said...

Man I'm so sorry. My mom faded away a few years ago and my dad is fading away now - it was very, very difficult.

Anonymous said...

I usually don't comment on your blog, but I read everything you write... my thoughts and heart are with you and your family.

Pissed Off Mom said...

As Jonathan has already said I wish I could say something to comfort you. You and your parents will be in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

PO'd, I remember similar moments with immature self absorbed kids who only identified with my own pain when I hit them over the head with it. At that time my elderly father was slipping away. There is no easy answer, just that your mom be as comfortable as possible and hopefully the doctor can get her back to the way she was before. I am hoping for the best as I know you are; of course, I wish there was something I could do to make things better. My heart and thoughts are with you and your family.

NYC Educator said...

Sorry to hear this, and I wish you all the best.

CaliforniaTeacherGuy said...

I hope your dad hears you. After my mom died four years ago, my dad said the only reason he's living is for his kids. He turns 86 in August. May your dad be that strong too--but only if he needs to be. Ideally, your mom will pull through the needed surgery. She's a brave lady to say, "Go ahead."

All the best to you.

nbosch said...

I remember the weirdest thought when I realized my dad was dying. I thought to myself "yikes, I've got to be an adult." I was 45. Ten years later I have an aging mom and aging in-laws. People always say there is no handbook for raising children, there is no handbook for taking care of aging parents. Take it one day at a time.

mathnerd said...

I am sorry to hear about all of this.