Bloomberg Limits Seder Portions

Bloomberg Limits Seder Portions

 February 19, 2013

 

NEW YORK—Following his recent ban on soda containers over 16 ounces, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced that he now intends to place

 similar limits on wine and matzo consumption at Passover Seders.

 

 “Everyone knows that Jews struggle with obesity,” the mayor declared

 at a news conference yesterday at Gracie Mansion, “so why aggravate

 the problem by drinking four whole cups of wine and eating three large

 sheets of matzo at a single meal?”

 

 Noting that the Passover foods are a Jewish tradition dating back

 thousands of years, the mayor said, “That may be so, but look at the

 health problems they create. You eat all that unleavened bread, and

 your system is bound to get backed up. It’s no wonder Moses was

 pleading, ‘Let my people go.’”

 

 Bloomberg added, “No one needs that much wine at a meal, either. And,

 shamefully, the biggest offender is a Jewish icon—the prophet Elijah.

 On seder night, he goes from house to house drinking. Who does he

 think he is, some frat boy?”

 

 In a surprising display of erudition in Jewish law, the mayor said he

 was familiar with, and opposed to, the adherence to the strictest

  requirements encouraged by some Torah sages.

 

 “If you intend to adhere to the shiurim of the Chazzon Ish, or even

 Rabbi Moses Feinstein, take your Seder out of the City,” said a

 defiant Bloomberg.

 

 He outlined his restrictions as follows:

 

 For the drinking of the four cups – “3.3. oz. will be the maximum

 permitted under New York City law. You may think 5.3 ounces is a

 saintly amount to drink for each of your 4 cups, but it is overly

 burdensome on the NYPD when they have to haul your machmir tuchus off

 to detox.

 

 For the Eating of Matzoh – “No more than the size of 1/3 of an egg,

 measured by weight and not volume. You will be subject to citation or

 arrest if you feel the need to stuff half of a ‘Talmudic’ egg in your

 mouth and choking on your high halachic standards.”

 

 The Mayor then left the press conference angrily, turning only to add,

“Next year in Jerusalem. IF you can fit on the plane!”

 

 Several Jewish organizations have already filed lawsuits in Brooklyn

 courts, claiming that the mayor’s new proposal infringes upon their

 religious rights. Rabbi Chaim Dovid Zwieback, legal counsel for Agooda

 Israel and author of the book When Abbada Things Happen to Agooda

 People, said, “Instead of downsizing seder foods, the mayor should be

 increasing them, like donating his nuts to make more charoses