Sunday, March 24, 2013

Bloomberg Limits Seder Portions






Bloomberg Limits Seder Portions
 February 19, 2013
 
NEW YORK—Following his recent ban on soda containers over 16 ounces, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced that he now intends to place
 similar limits on wine and matzo consumption at Passover Seders.
 
 “Everyone knows that Jews struggle with obesity,” the mayor declared
 at a news conference yesterday at Gracie Mansion, “so why aggravate
 the problem by drinking four whole cups of wine and eating three large
 sheets of matzo at a single meal?”
 
 Noting that the Passover foods are a Jewish tradition dating back
 thousands of years, the mayor said, “That may be so, but look at the
 health problems they create. You eat all that unleavened bread, and
 your system is bound to get backed up. It’s no wonder Moses was
 pleading, ‘Let my people go.’”
 
 Bloomberg added, “No one needs that much wine at a meal, either. And,
 shamefully, the biggest offender is a Jewish icon—the prophet Elijah.
 On seder night, he goes from house to house drinking. Who does he
 think he is, some frat boy?”
 
 In a surprising display of erudition in Jewish law, the mayor said he
 was familiar with, and opposed to, the adherence to the strictest
  requirements encouraged by some Torah sages.
 
 “If you intend to adhere to the shiurim of the Chazzon Ish, or even
 Rabbi Moses Feinstein, take your Seder out of the City,” said a
 defiant Bloomberg.
 
 He outlined his restrictions as follows:
 
 For the drinking of the four cups – “3.3. oz. will be the maximum
 permitted under New York City law. You may think 5.3 ounces is a
 saintly amount to drink for each of your 4 cups, but it is overly
 burdensome on the NYPD when they have to haul your machmir tuchus off
 to detox.
 
 For the Eating of Matzoh – “No more than the size of 1/3 of an egg,
 measured by weight and not volume. You will be subject to citation or
 arrest if you feel the need to stuff half of a ‘Talmudic’ egg in your
 mouth and choking on your high halachic standards.”
 
 The Mayor then left the press conference angrily, turning only to add,
“Next year in Jerusalem. IF you can fit on the plane!”
 
 Several Jewish organizations have already filed lawsuits in Brooklyn
 courts, claiming that the mayor’s new proposal infringes upon their
 religious rights. Rabbi Chaim Dovid Zwieback, legal counsel for Agooda
 Israel and author of the book When Abbada Things Happen to Agooda
 People, said, “Instead of downsizing seder foods, the mayor should be
 increasing them, like donating his nuts to make more charoses

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank You for that update I missed it! I have wondered however, why is Bloomberg so concerned with what we eat and not the size of teachers paychecks! How can he spend so much time on this trivia but not with Mulgrew on contract decisions?

burntoutteacher said...

Ms. PO'ed, are you the wonderful author of this? So so funny! (and sad too because it could be true!)

Pissed Off said...

wish I could take credit, but, no, I did nto write this.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for giving me a real laugh with this satirical article!

What next? Will Bloomberg decide that the EASTER BUNNY is too fat, and put him on a diet next??????

Happy Passover and Easter to all.

zulma said...

Great satire! Couldn't stop laughing.

As for the Easter Bunny, won't be put on a diet because it's Bloomberg's Sunday dinner.

Have a blessed Passover and Easter.