Dilbert Explains Again

The reason school's have their heat on in June,

New Teacher Retirement Plan

Math and Politics

Washington Post

Evil

To quote a friend, "She is so fuckin evil....she even smells of evil!!!!! "

And then this appeared in Newsday...Pay special attention to the last panel.
(Click on it to enlarge)

Math Humor

This one will make you laugh. This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint....it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to
give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions if:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM.

Safety First

I had a flat tire yesterday, so I got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

Cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road.

Traffic starts backing up. Everybody is honking their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire,' I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.. So I told him,

'Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers.'

I Like The Idea

I'm not a fan of Banana Cream Pie, I bet the same idea would work for beer, ice cream and cheese cake. I might just give it a try.

(Sitting in Panera Bread having coffee while my house is being cleaned and enjoying the last few days of vacation)

The Numbers Do Not LIe

THE NUMBERS DO NOT LIE!!!!!
WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL?????
Try it without looking at the answers

1. Pick your favorite number between 1 - 9
2. Multiply your favorite number by 3
3. Then add 3
4. Then multiply by 3 (I will wait while you get the calculator)
5. You should have a 2 or 3 digit number
6. Add the digits together




Now scroll down..........
Now match your number with the number below to see who is your ROLE MODEL on the list below:
1. Albert Einstein
2. Nelson Mandela
3. Margaret Thatcher
4. Tom Cruise
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Brad Pitt
8. Adolph Hitler
9. POd Teacher
10. George Washington


A corny math game. The math is not too hard but the kids might like it and it is a good way to introduce divisibility--it might even be a great ice breaker for the first day.

A Little Humor

Bloomberg's Campaign Vehicle And the guys who empty it

Vampires Amongst Us

At a high-school faculty meeting midway through the school year, the principal had presented an agonizing list of our sins, failures, flaws and transgressions, and we were all feeling rather tense. Then the principal announced that the science-club project would be a blood drive, and that in order to promote faculty participation he would donate the first pint of blood. The meeting burst into laughter when a voice from the back of the room demanded anxiously, "Whose?"

40 Years of Marriage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female......

Perks Of Reaching 60 and Heading Towards 70

Just got this in an e-mail and had to share it with all the "seniors" and "eventually will be seniors" out there.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

12. You sing along with elevator music.

13. Your eyes won't get much worse.

14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.

You Get What You Pay For

Before Mr. Retired Principal retired, he paid a visit to a veteran teacher. At the conference,he told Mr. Veteran that his lesson was not entertaining.

Mr. Veteran answered calmly, "For $500,000 a year, you get Johnny Carson, for $40,000 a year you get Vinnie Veteran."

For the first time in his life, Mr. Retired Principal was speechless.

Retirement

(not an original, but worth sharing--courtesy of my husband)

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program will be called SCREW. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.

If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us!

The Management

An Advance Apology to Any Man Who Reads This Post

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well....it's finally explained here in one,
easy-to-understand illustration:



Every one of those little blue balls is a thought
about something that needs to be done, a decision or
a problem that needs to be solved.

A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts .

(From an e-mail from a friend--it just begged to be shared!)